Highly Inappropriate Behavior
by Deceit By Any Other Name
Summary: Hello, hello! Welcome one, welcome all to my little gathering here tonight. They say humanity's doomed, that there's no escape, but do not fear! I have here a marvelous invention. People of the world, meet your salvation. I call it... a Titan. Pre-Titan-Takeover, ConCrit needed.


**A/N: This takes place pre-Titan-takeover, in a time that might just be our not-so-distant future...**

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Highly Inappropriate Behavior

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Hello, hello! Welcome one, welcome all! I'm glad you could make it to my little gathering tonight. Please take your seats— oh, it seems as if I invited more people than I thought...! Chairs, chairs. There are some in the other room— just give me a second, please just hold on a minute...

I'm back! Sorry for the wait... Sorry, sorry, they're just heavy. Can anyone...? No? Oh, that's fine...

Anyways.

I have gathered you all here for a reason. No, don't look that way, don't roll your eyes, it's important! Listen, I have an ide— _I heard that._ You there, in the third row, next to the fellow with the birthmark! _Who do you think you are? _ Sure, there may have been certain _incidents_ in the past with experiments, but mistakes are the mother of invention! And I'm sure _this _one will work out! Hey, hey! Pay attention! This is important!

Settle down, settle down.

I have an idea.

As you all know, we are facing a growing threat to humanity: overpopulation is imminent. Our birthrate has grown by a tenfold over the past 150 years, and shows no sign of slowing down. As of the 31st, our world's total population has exceeded the 9.5 billion mark. If it keeps growing at this rate, we will reach 10 million in less than a year from now. Our planet cannot support more than ten million people.

You see, we've already exhausted our resources. With the current widespread famine and freshwater shortage, there's no way we, as a race, can hope to survive past these next hundred or so years.

Thus, I have gathered you all here today to propose a solution.

_Oh, stop your muttering! Lazy, ignorant fools, the lot of them. But they'll see soon enough. Oh, they'll see. I''ll show them! I'm no "crackpot" , no "whack job"... Inhumane, was it? I'll show them who's inhumane! In just a few minutes..._

Yes, a solution. But before I present my masterpiece—yes, that's it, behind the curtain, _yes_, I know it's rather large, would you please stop your incessant whispering? Do you think I can't hear you? Ah, good. Silence. Now, what was I saying?

At this point, there is no way we can effectively slow down the population growth in time. Unlike all those other scientists, with their poor rationalization and contingency plans, _they're too scared, too pathetic to even attempt something like this! The fools...! They think they can top this? I'll show them, no, I'll save them! I'll save everyone! I'll save humanity! _See, unlike them, I propose a slightly more _drastic_ solution.

What is it, you ask? How do we control the excess population?

We get rid of them.

Oh, don't look at me like that! Stop it! Calm down! Calm down, everyone! Quiet down! Get back in your seats!

Yes, we get rid of them. No, not _kill _them, what would make you think that? Not kill them, simply have them make a, a small sacrifice to save humanity. Just a small sacrifice! See, it's not _inhumane_ when you look at it that way!

And how, you ask? Well, let me show you! Let's just get this curtain out of the way...

This is it. Look up here, one and all, and meet your salvation.

I call it a Titan.

What, what are you doing? Get back in your seats! I'm not done yet! What's with that shrieking? Come on, come back! I'm not done!

...

Well, they were just faint-hearted! I know it's not exactly up to everyone's standard of beauty, but there is a certain... quaintness about it. Nothing repulsive at all. Cowards, the lot of them. Except for you, good sir, and you in the back row. Thank you for staying and letting me continue my presentation.

Yes, this is a Titan. This is our salvation. Let me explain why.

First of all, they'll take care of our pesky population issue. They can ingest humans rather quickly and efficiently, and— no, no, not kill! I told you before! They're simply... ingested. For safekeeping. Oh, of course, the teeth are only for...decoration. They add to its charm, don't you think?

And they don't... ingest...out of hunger. You see, they really don't need to be fed at all! No pesky food-stealing! We can keep our resources all to ourselves! Plus, I've made it so they won't go overboard with their population-reducing either. Just keep it neatly trimmed. Well, that part I'm still working on. These experiments are costly, you know! After I finish, if there are any sponsors willing to take a chance? For the good of humanity?

...

Second, they can't reproduce. See, they have no sexual organs! Look, look, don't feel shy! They won't contribute to our overpopulation problem at all. And they're really easy to create, once you figure it out. All it takes is— oh, never mind, I'll get to that later.

Lastly, they won't bother wildlife. No future extinctions from these big friendly giants, I promise!

At the moment, they still lack some communication skills, but I'm working on it, I'm working on it! Again, any potential sponsors?

No? I'm sure you're just being polite, not wanting to interrupt my presentation and all. So, let me show you exactly what you'd be investing in!

Just let me get that latch, and that key... Ah, here we go!

Fellow humans, meet the first Titan. Isn't it gorgeous? Oh, calm down, will you? I already told you it won't hurt you! It won't hurt anybody!

Oh, see! It wants to meet you! See, it's trying to say hello! Don't be scared. Come forward, give it a try! You can even try to shake its hand—I think, that's still in progress. Oh, look, all of you, the gentleman in the second row's coming forward! Lucky man! I applaud him! See, it's not scary at all! Good, good, come forward!

Oh, look! It's going to pat him on the head! This is a historic occasion, folks! See, it's trying to—

Wait.

What?

No, no, not yet! Not yet! Titan, these are _sponsors_! We need them, _you_ need them! Don't—!

_Crunch_.

Oh.

Blood.

Too much blood.

It's getting all over!

No. No. No. No no no. Nononononono. No! No snacking yet! I wasn't done,you idiot!

And now, they'll think I lied! Everyone, scientists, esteemed guests, wait! I wasn't lying! I promise! There are simply a few adjustments—

_Crunch_.

Another one. Already? Has it no restraint? Can't it wait until I'm done my speech? Please?

Oh, calm down! See, that was simply a-a demonstration! See, a live demonstration! You should consider yourselves lucky!

No. Put him down. PUT HIM DOWN.

You've helped enough for today. Put him down, and let me finish! Come on! You're scaring the sponsors!

Oh. Good. Good Titan. Thank you. Now, could you get back in...?

Oh, good, you're coming back! Good Titan, good Titan. Just climb back in behind the curtain, and—

Why are you picking me up?

Higher and higher. I can almost see the inside of your mouth! Absolutely disgusting. This is highly inappropriate behavior. Put me down!

Put me down!

It can't end this way!

No.

No!

I'm not done yet!

_Crunch._

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**_Questions? Comments? Requests?_**

**This is my first OC fanfic, not to mention my first SnK story, so I really need feedback on this one.**

**ConCrit anyone? Any sponsors? **

(sorry, just couldn't resist *smirk*)


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